iv of swords

in my mothers womb
I lie respite as in a tomb
cord curled twisted as vine
nutrients paralleling love a sign
of my mother's struggles in yester years
seeing demons through eyes of tears
torn apart by war's wicked claws
shaken by blasts and lost cause
suffering abuse no child should
struggling to survive by being "good"
depravity knows no bounds
broken trust cyclically resounds
sensitive I am I feel this pain
as I cling to her a linked chain
not ready yet to face the world
I turn back in my body curled
my mother screams bearing me breached
is life pain what Nature preached?
I carry this pain depressed each day
but it's time to let go and I do when I say
mother you taught me oh so well
endure for love and fears will quell

Remembrance of Things Past

You gave me peridot earrings,
a reminder of your love and affection,
along with the rest of my possessions,
forgotten at your place
when we broke up our second time.
Little did you know that
the next day I pierced my ears,
my jaw clenched for the slight sting,
followed by
the backing locking in place the memory of us.
But despite not being together
I wear these perfect gems to remind me
how you taught me to change,
how you taught me to grow,
how I loved you.
These light green stones
are also supposed to heal me,
help stabilize my emotions.
Even focusing on them now has a soothing effect.
They are a symbol that love can be magical.
But if I remove them will the spell be broken?
I fear too much to try.
Our world we created is too fragile
to go stumbling about in dead-end alleys.

ix of swords

my teeth clench at night
since my heart can only hold so much
I have to store my fears and anxieties
in my jaw where I can attempt to grind them away
but instead of being pulverized
they slowly chip me away
every morning I feel it
my jaw rigid and stiff
deathly scared from nightly terrors
it's as though my body is making me suffer
out of spite
in retaliation for afflicting so much pain on it
by simply living
the pains of life
that slowly stack on top of each other
one handed to me by every man
I've ever loved
who has ever left me
who I have ever felt obligated to leave
and without their kiss to loosen my jaw
their lips to soften my own
their tongue for my tongue to hide
to escape all my sorrows
because it is only them I want
it is only them I need
I awake in the morning
clenching my jaw for dear life
I press my hand against the bone
thinking about the small price to pay
for waking up alive

viii of swords

again I am a pathetic sorry ass
even after trying to do the right thing
I suddenly grow tired
of playing the maid of my emotions
and after your every question
like a skip in a broken record
I am stuck in the groove of
blurting out the wrong answers
that hurt you in the right way

this has happened so many times
I hear your angry responses
like the lines from a familiar rerun
I can almost mouth your part
word for word
and playing my role
I apologize like the script says
but instead of forgiving me like you're supposed to
you are sickened by me

its too late its too late

and then I cry
like I cried in bed so often
when I was young
sent to my room by my
screaming stepdad
because my pathetic sorry ass
can't learn to grow up

my heart longs for the day when the cycle will end
when I stop feeling bad about myself
when crying stops becoming second nature
when love doesn't have to be conditional

vii of swords

I lie awake in bed
my head to your feet
my feet to your head
my heart heavy from heated
arguments of my wrongdoings
I look at your feet and feel nothing
no urge to turn around and
press my body next to yours

you and I are two polar opposite magnets
my body rejecting yours
your body rejecting mine
with no strength left I don't bother to fight it
the laws of physics push me out of bed
forcing me to crawl on the floor
and drag an old beat up blanket
from my lonely pathetic closet
avoid the bed
sprawl on the floor
and pretend I'm alone

The Wolves

I was naive,
but I liked it that way.
I claimed my naivete as an attribute,
but it drove you away.
You tried to show me
something you saw so crystal clear
in my life--
it was a truth to you,
but to me it was a fear.
I couldn't face
the wolf's jaws
that I hoped were an illusion.
You said I was in delusion,
but I refuse to be hurt by your words.
You wanted me to doubt everyone,
even my nature, which is to see the good in all.
But don't worry.
Your words already took effect,
maybe like venom,
maybe like an antibody.
I look at other people now,
and see the bad in them,
and how they can destroy me
or how I can destroy them.
But that's not how I want to be
yet.
I don't know.
You hate that I never know,
which tells me
it was never meant to be.

Adam

          Adam,
You crazy mofo
    named after the Biblical Hero
who threw apple grenades,
which they didn't teach us
    in school.
How's Jessica?         I haven't seen
        the two of you since
        you got high on shrooms then
        wandered into my Borders.
    I'm still waiting for the
          Future is Now or Maybe Later,
    I'm glad you liked your
          snow tire, I hope you didn't
      throw it up.
          But you can throw it up
              on me and call it Art.
    The power to inspire
Vomiting while high   to discover
        who you truly are.   ♥☺