iv of swords

in my mothers womb
I lie respite as in a tomb
cord curled twisted as vine
nutrients paralleling love a sign
of my mother's struggles in yester years
seeing demons through eyes of tears
torn apart by war's wicked claws
shaken by blasts and lost cause
suffering abuse no child should
struggling to survive by being "good"
depravity knows no bounds
broken trust cyclically resounds
sensitive I am I feel this pain
as I cling to her a linked chain
not ready yet to face the world
I turn back in my body curled
my mother screams bearing me breached
is life pain what Nature preached?
I carry this pain depressed each day
but it's time to let go and I do when I say
mother you taught me oh so well
endure for love and fears will quell

Remembrance of Things Past

You gave me peridot earrings,
a reminder of your love and affection,
along with the rest of my possessions,
forgotten at your place
when we broke up our second time.
Little did you know that
the next day I pierced my ears,
my jaw clenched for the slight sting,
followed by
the backing locking in place the memory of us.
But despite not being together
I wear these perfect gems to remind me
how you taught me to change,
how you taught me to grow,
how I loved you.
These light green stones
are also supposed to heal me,
help stabilize my emotions.
Even focusing on them now has a soothing effect.
They are a symbol that love can be magical.
But if I remove them will the spell be broken?
I fear too much to try.
Our world we created is too fragile
to go stumbling about in dead-end alleys.

ix of swords

my teeth clench at night
since my heart can only hold so much
I have to store my fears and anxieties
in my jaw where I can attempt to grind them away
but instead of being pulverized
they slowly chip me away
every morning I feel it
my jaw rigid and stiff
deathly scared from nightly terrors
it's as though my body is making me suffer
out of spite
in retaliation for afflicting so much pain on it
by simply living
the pains of life
that slowly stack on top of each other
one handed to me by every man
I've ever loved
who has ever left me
who I have ever felt obligated to leave
and without their kiss to loosen my jaw
their lips to soften my own
their tongue for my tongue to hide
to escape all my sorrows
because it is only them I want
it is only them I need
I awake in the morning
clenching my jaw for dear life
I press my hand against the bone
thinking about the small price to pay
for waking up alive

viii of swords

again I am a pathetic sorry ass
even after trying to do the right thing
I suddenly grow tired
of playing the maid of my emotions
and after your every question
like a skip in a broken record
I am stuck in the groove of
blurting out the wrong answers
that hurt you in the right way

this has happened so many times
I hear your angry responses
like the lines from a familiar rerun
I can almost mouth your part
word for word
and playing my role
I apologize like the script says
but instead of forgiving me like you're supposed to
you are sickened by me

its too late its too late

and then I cry
like I cried in bed so often
when I was young
sent to my room by my
screaming stepdad
because my pathetic sorry ass
can't learn to grow up

my heart longs for the day when the cycle will end
when I stop feeling bad about myself
when crying stops becoming second nature
when love doesn't have to be conditional

vii of swords

I lie awake in bed
my head to your feet
my feet to your head
my heart heavy from heated
arguments of my wrongdoings
I look at your feet and feel nothing
no urge to turn around and
press my body next to yours

you and I are two polar opposite magnets
my body rejecting yours
your body rejecting mine
with no strength left I don't bother to fight it
the laws of physics push me out of bed
forcing me to crawl on the floor
and drag an old beat up blanket
from my lonely pathetic closet
avoid the bed
sprawl on the floor
and pretend I'm alone

The Wolves

I was naive,
but I liked it that way.
I claimed my naivete as an attribute,
but it drove you away.
You tried to show me
something you saw so crystal clear
in my life--
it was a truth to you,
but to me it was a fear.
I couldn't face
the wolf's jaws
that I hoped were an illusion.
You said I was in delusion,
but I refuse to be hurt by your words.
You wanted me to doubt everyone,
even my nature, which is to see the good in all.
But don't worry.
Your words already took effect,
maybe like venom,
maybe like an antibody.
I look at other people now,
and see the bad in them,
and how they can destroy me
or how I can destroy them.
But that's not how I want to be
yet.
I don't know.
You hate that I never know,
which tells me
it was never meant to be.

Adam

          Adam,
You crazy mofo
    named after the Biblical Hero
who threw apple grenades,
which they didn't teach us
    in school.
How's Jessica?         I haven't seen
        the two of you since
        you got high on shrooms then
        wandered into my Borders.
    I'm still waiting for the
          Future is Now or Maybe Later,
    I'm glad you liked your
          snow tire, I hope you didn't
      throw it up.
          But you can throw it up
              on me and call it Art.
    The power to inspire
Vomiting while high   to discover
        who you truly are.   ♥☺

Across Bounds

Have you ever fallen in love?
I'm sure you have,
maybe in a different way
than I'm experiencing now.
Or maybe it's the same
and you understand.
We can join our emotions as one.
one unit,
one soul,
one eternal fire
that burns without wax
and glows
in twilight
on the sidewalks of New York
or San Francisco,
wherever it may be,
wherever we are,
as one.

The Man in Turquoise Boxers

Some in the crowd screamed out, Don't jump.
Others screamed, Jump.
The man on the ledge of the Forever 21 building
looked down in fear.
One man yelled, Do a flip!
So the man did
and ended up face first on the
sidewalk below with his head splattered
all around in a halo of blood.
Soon the blood started pouring profusely
causing many to back away
and others to step forward.
People started screaming.
A young Japanese woman started crying.
Everybody's lives stopped in that moment
and became entangled in that dead
man's final act.
Nobody could talk about anything else.
They had to take out their cell phones
and start calling their
grandmothers,
their husbands and wives,
their coworkers,
their best friends,
and eventually, everyone who
wasn't on their knees crying
was either talking about it or
on their iPhones
tweeting -- I just saw a man
commit suicide.
One even took a picture of the dead
man splattered on the pavement
maybe to update his blog.
Another man screamed at him,
What the Fuck is wrong with you?
The police came and ambulances took
the body away.
No note or ID was found on
the carcass.
But nobody who was there
would forget him.
Even when they are at a party
enjoying themselves years from now they may
think of that man with the
splattered face
on the pavement in front of them,
and they will
only shudder and try to block
him out of their lives.

Song

We follow our dreams
and become
the ones with
panoramic eyes.
Even though others see the
doors closed ahead of us.
We uncover a window
behind 100 layers of curtains
and see the world
and the unlimited possibilities
found in every human soul.

So use the gifts you have,
and with some friends in hand
take control.
It's never too late.
Discover your strengths,
and ease all your pain.
The journey isn't hard
if you only know how.

Untitled

I trusted you so much
it hurt.
It would have been easier
if you broke that trust,
but instead,
I did.
I don't know why
I thought you'd leave me and make
me walk home alone
wet from the winter rain
falling on the cable car tracks.
I've been hurt in the past
over and over, it's like reruns
that should have stopped
being syndicated a long time ago.
So I feel the hurt prematurely,
even when you made me so happy,
so happy I became scared
of how unnaturally perfect you are.
So I fucked up
and stopped it (You and I).
And you probably don't understand why.
I'm so confusing I confuse myself.
In a logical world I'd explain it to you,
but in a Xav world you'd leave anyway
once you saw my flaws.
How unnaturally perfect you seem.
I hid my insecurities from you,
and probably seemed normal
in your eyes,
but every moment
I tried so hard
to make sure you liked me,
but now I found someone else
who I don't have to make sure
because I know they do like me.
I feel it from their heart.
It's nice to feel loved
when all my life
I never got to experience that.
It's kind of sad,
but my mom never hugged
me growing up.
I never really thought of it
until I was moving away for college
with my bags all packed
about to get into my car.
Good bye home.
It was then my mom hugged me,
and it felt so unnatural.
I felt so defenseless,
and at that moment I realized
This was the first time
I could remember
her hugging me.
Before
I was just unhappy,
but now I know why.
It was a
hurtful longing for love.
Is there a word for that?
If it was a picture, it
would be a small heart
filled to the brim with
black ink.
Love should be pure
and unadulterated,
but my dirty hands tarnish it
and break it into pieces,
which I try to make sense of
like yarrow sticks,
but there's no way I can
figure it out on my own.
I take comfort
knowing I have someone
who understands how I feel,
maybe even more so than I do
myself.
It's hard to get a faithful
perspective looking in.
But I ask myself,
who would want someone with
tarnishing hands?
Who would want someone
as fucked up as me?
It would have to be a person
who makes me stronger.
It would have to be a person
who sees the good in me.

The One

There's a guy.
I think he's the one.
I dream about him
when I'm awake,
and that's why
I can't sleep.
I don't know what's going to happen.
He seems to like me back,
but I'm afraid
that I'll frighten him away.
How do you know when
your love is too much
for one person to bear?

I've been lonely for too long
even though I've filled my time
with companionship.
Like I said,
he's the one. (You might ask me,
how do I know.
After all, we only had
two dates.)
Maybe it's his neverending smile
when he's with me
because I'd like to think
he uses it "only for me."
Maybe it's his eyes
with pure joy and brilliance.
They are eyes I can trust
and feel at home.
He looks like an honest man.
I want to trust in him.
I want to think
I can be with him,
that he wants to be with me,
and for that reason
I know
if it doesn't work out
I'd be that much more crushed,
belittled,
rejected,
hurt,
and small (like a tiny seedling).
I want to be a flower, however,
in full form,
thriving in the sun,
growing at full potential.
That's what love is.
Love is a delicate flower
with petals soft to the touch.
When I kissed his lips
I became lost in their sweet folds.
I sweltered in their pleasurable smoothness,
supple,
and I long for them,
for their return to my lips.
I kind of think
he's like a drug,
and I've been hooked by
his intoxicating sweetness,
by his enticing gaze.
"You had me at hello."

Hello, I'm alone,

but the memories of last night
fill me with warmth
because I can still feel your presence.
Your arms rolled up in mine,
you feel like a strong and cuddly
teddy bear.
You said you'd protect me.
I trust you.
I trust you so much
it hurts.