Remembrance of Things Past

You gave me peridot earrings,
a reminder of your love and affection,
along with the rest of my possessions,
forgotten at your place
when we broke up our second time.
Little did you know that
the next day I pierced my ears,
my jaw clenched for the slight sting,
followed by
the backing locking in place the memory of us.
But despite not being together
I wear these perfect gems to remind me
how you taught me to change,
how you taught me to grow,
how I loved you.
These light green stones
are also supposed to heal me,
help stabilize my emotions.
Even focusing on them now has a soothing effect.
They are a symbol that love can be magical.
But if I remove them will the spell be broken?
I fear too much to try.
Our world we created is too fragile
to go stumbling about in dead-end alleys.

ix of swords

my teeth clench at night
since my heart can only hold so much
I have to store my fears and anxieties
in my jaw where I can attempt to grind them away
but instead of being pulverized
they slowly chip me away
every morning I feel it
my jaw rigid and stiff
deathly scared from nightly terrors
it's as though my body is making me suffer
out of spite
in retaliation for afflicting so much pain on it
by simply living
the pains of life
that slowly stack on top of each other
one handed to me by every man
I've ever loved
who has ever left me
who I have ever felt obligated to leave
and without their kiss to loosen my jaw
their lips to soften my own
their tongue for my tongue to hide
to escape all my sorrows
because it is only them I want
it is only them I need
I awake in the morning
clenching my jaw for dear life
I press my hand against the bone
thinking about the small price to pay
for waking up alive

viii of swords

again I am a pathetic sorry ass
even after trying to do the right thing
I suddenly grow tired
of playing the maid of my emotions
and after your every question
like a skip in a broken record
I am stuck in the groove of
blurting out the wrong answers
that hurt you in the right way

this has happened so many times
I hear your angry responses
like the lines from a familiar rerun
I can almost mouth your part
word for word
and playing my role
I apologize like the script says
but instead of forgiving me like you're supposed to
you are sickened by me

its too late its too late

and then I cry
like I cried in bed so often
when I was young
sent to my room by my
screaming stepdad
because my pathetic sorry ass
can't learn to grow up

my heart longs for the day when the cycle will end
when I stop feeling bad about myself
when crying stops becoming second nature
when love doesn't have to be conditional

vii of swords

I lie awake in bed
my head to your feet
my feet to your head
my heart heavy from heated
arguments of my wrongdoings
I look at your feet and feel nothing
no urge to turn around and
press my body next to yours

you and I are two polar opposite magnets
my body rejecting yours
your body rejecting mine
with no strength left I don't bother to fight it
the laws of physics push me out of bed
forcing me to crawl on the floor
and drag an old beat up blanket
from my lonely pathetic closet
avoid the bed
sprawl on the floor
and pretend I'm alone